A Need Doesn't Have to Become a Crisis

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with the relationship.

There is love. There is companionship. There is a shared home, a shared history, laughter, affection, loyalty and a life that, by almost every measure, feels good.

And still, there can be something missing.

I recently spent time with someone who described exactly this. He spoke warmly about his husband and about the life they have built together. He wasn't looking for a different relationship. He wasn't unhappy. He wasn't trying to escape.

There was simply one part of his erotic self that had never really found a place in their relationship.

His partner didn't share the desire. In fact, he was uncomfortable with it.

When we first communicated, I could hear a little embarrassment around what he wanted. He was careful to explain himself. He even gave me an easy opportunity to say no.

But there was nothing wrong with what he wanted.

Sometimes shame doesn't announce itself by saying, "I am ashamed."

Sometimes it sounds like:

I know this is strange.

You don't have to.

I understand if you're not comfortable.

Sorry for asking.

So part of our time together became simply allowing this desire to exist without treating it as a problem.

There is an important difference between being given access to another person's body and having someone willingly share an experience with you.

A loving partner might say, "I don't enjoy this, but I'll let you do it because I love you."

That generosity can be meaningful.

But it is different from being with someone who can meet that part of you with ease, presence and perhaps even enjoyment. Instead of feeling that your desire is something another person must tolerate, for a moment you experience it as something that can simply be welcomed.

For someone who has carried embarrassment about a desire for years, that difference can be surprisingly profound.

We sometimes imagine that every important need must be satisfied inside our primary relationship. And when it isn't, we can begin asking frightening questions.

Does this mean something is wrong with us?

Does it mean something is wrong with our partner?

Does it mean the relationship isn't enough?

Does something have to change?

Not necessarily.

Human beings are complicated. No single person is likely to mirror every part of another person's emotional, intellectual, physical and erotic world.

Sometimes maturity means recognizing what a relationship beautifully provides while also being honest about what it cannot provide.

That doesn't automatically diminish the relationship.

And the unmet need doesn't necessarily need to become a crisis.

Sometimes it simply needs a safe place to exist.

This is one of the things I have come to appreciate about sacred intimacy. The encounter doesn't always have to be about seeking something bigger, more dramatic or more transgressive. Sometimes it can be remarkably simple.

There is a part of me that wants this.

There is nowhere else in my life where this part feels welcome.

For this little piece of time, I would like to stop apologizing for it.

And then we create that space together.

Afterward, this man thanked me. He seemed lighter. As he was leaving, he joked that perhaps the experience would satisfy him for another few years.

I laughed, but I also understood what he meant.

The desire hadn't disappeared.

It had simply been heard.

Sometimes the itch doesn't require dismantling your life.

Sometimes it just needs somewhere safe to be scratched.