How to Find a Good Erotic Massage Therapist: Questions to Ask and Red Flags to Notice

Erotic massage can be profoundly healing or deeply disappointing.

I’ve heard too many stories from people who went looking for connection, presence, and healing, and instead found confusion, pressure, or exploitation.

Below are some ways to recognize practitioners who honor the sacred nature of this work and to protect yourself from those who don’t.

1. Know What You’re Looking For

Before you reach out, take a moment to clarify what you actually want:

Are you seeking touch that reconnects you to your body?

Are you exploring your erotic identity?

Do you want to release shame or trauma around pleasure?

Or simply experience something new, held in safety?

A clear sense of intention will help you choose someone aligned with it.

2. Questions to Ask Before Booking

A good practitioner will welcome thoughtful questions.

Some examples:

“What is your approach or philosophy around erotic touch?”

"Do you do the massage on a table, tatami or bed?"

“Do you allow mutual touch?”

“Are the sessions client-led or practitioner-led?”

“What does aftercare look like?”

“Do you have training in trauma-informed or somatic work?”

“What happens if I feel uncomfortable during the session?”

Listen not just for the answers, but for the tone: calm, transparent, unhurried responses are a good sign.

3. Red Flags to Notice

Unfortunately, not everyone offering “erotic massage” understands or honors the depth of this work. Here are some common warning signs and what they might look or sound like in real life:

Vague or evasive answers.

You ask, “What kind of touch do you offer?” and they reply, “Don’t worry, you’ll see when you get here.”

That’s not mystery, that’s avoidance. A trustworthy practitioner will explain their structure clearly and invite questions.

Sexualized language before any trust is built.

You write to ask about a session and receive flirty emojis, compliments on your appearance, or comments like, “You’ll love what my hands can do.”

Erotic energy has its place in session, by consent, not in initial communication.

Pressure or manipulation.

You mention a limit “I’d rather keep my underwear on” and they respond, “You’ll feel freer if you take it off, everyone does.”

Any attempt to override your boundary, even subtly, is a serious red flag.

Promises of specific outcomes.

They say things like, “I guarantee you’ll orgasm,” or “I can heal your trauma in one session.”

No ethical practitioner guarantees results; the work is collaborative, not performative.

Rushed or careless intake.

The booking feels transactional: no questions about your comfort level, health, or intention, just a time and price.

If they don’t care who you are, they can’t hold space for you.

You feel your body saying no.

Maybe they seem charming, but you notice tension in your chest or gut. That’s your intuition speaking.

A good rule: if your body isn’t at ease before the session, it won’t relax during it. If your body tightens or your intuition whispers no, that’s your guidance system protecting you.

4. A Note About Payment and Safety

Some clients have offered to pay me the moment they walk in. When I tell them it can wait, they sometimes share stories about other therapists who insisted on upfront payment or refused to begin until money changed hands. They may say "just put it on the table so I can see it." I’ve experienced this myself when seeking tantric massage, and when I asked why, the answer was usually the same: “I’ve had clients who didn’t pay.”

This is a major red flag.

A practitioner who regularly encounters non-payment or who demands full payment upfront is signaling instability, fear, and a lack of trust in their own container. It also shows that their practice may attract clients who don’t respect them, which says something about the field they’re cultivating.

If you experience this, it is absolutely okay to walk out.

In erotic or tantric work, safety and trust begin the moment you arrive, not after the money is exchanged.

And truly: no massage is better than a bad massage.

5. Green Flags: Signs You’re in Good Hands

When you find the right practitioner, you’ll feel it, not just in your body, but in your nervous system. These are the qualities and gestures that signal safety, integrity, and depth:

They welcome your questions and answer them with care.

You ask about session structure or boundaries, and they respond clearly, without defensiveness or hurry. Their openness is part of how they build trust.

They check in before and during the session.

“Is this pressure okay?” or “Would you like me to slow down?”

Consent isn’t a one-time checkbox, it’s an ongoing dialogue.

They create space for your emotions.

If tears, laughter, or silence arise, they stay grounded and present.

They know that erotic energy and emotional release are both part of healing.

They maintain clean energetic boundaries.

You feel seen but not sexualized. There’s warmth, yes, but it’s in service to your experience, not theirs.

They’re transparent about practical details.

Website, pricing, location, session length, and cancellation policies are clear and consistent. Professionalism is a form of respect.

You feel relaxed after speaking with them, not rushed or seduced.

Notice how your body feels even before you meet. Do you exhale? Do you feel curious rather than guarded? Trust your body’s intelligence; it usually knows before your mind does.

6. Qualities of a Skilled Erotic Bodyworker

Grounded, calm presence not seduction.

Consistent communication and consent.

Awareness of energy dynamics, power, and projection.

An understanding that arousal can be part of healing, but not the goal.

A commitment to your emotional as well as physical safety.

7. Remember

Erotic healing is not a luxury, it’s part of reclaiming wholeness.

When held with skill and integrity, it can restore trust in your own body, in your capacity for connection, and in life itself.